When Babysitters Experience “Firsts”
A child’s first words, first steps, first smile, first crawl, first anything can happen while a babysitter is on the job.
It’s one reason why some parents are so reluctant to leave their children with someone else (babysitter or otherwise). Missing those “firsts” is a difficult thing to come to terms with, as we see with one sitter’s story…
The Common Parental Struggle: Missing “Firsts”
A babysitter we know once sat for an 18-month-old boy while his parents went to a wedding. It was the third or fourth time she cared for the child, but it was the first time he was actually awake for more than a few minutes during the job.
Throughout the evening, the little boy kept saying, “Dad-DEEE, dad-DEEE,” over and over again. Adorable, right?
When the parents returned, the babysitter said, “I just can’t believe how much he’s grown even since I last saw him! He’s bigger now, he’s talking–”
“What!?” the parents said.
The babysitter froze. “Um, he’s talking…” she repeated carefully.
“HE SAID HIS FIRST WORD?” The parents were shocked, thrilled, devastated, guilty and proud all at once.
Things for Parents to Remember About Missing Firsts
Missing a “first” brings with it a complex mix of emotions. This is something that sitters and nannies need to be aware of and be sensitive to when they’re on the job. It’s also something that parents could use some help coping with.
Redefine “firsts.”
If it’s the first time you’ve seen it, it’s a first. Period. Don’t obsess over who “really saw it first,” since all that does is stir up those negative emotions. Enjoy the experience, live in the moment and celebrate the fact that you’re getting to witness such an amazing milestone.
Don’t be quick to assume your caregiver truly saw a “first.”
In reality, “firsts” are hard to pinpoint. The nanny may swear that she just saw your baby’s first smile, but was that really the first time he ever cracked a grin or was it just gas? Did he really say his first word or did he babble something close to a real word? Since you can’t be sure, it’s all the more reason to celebrate a “first” when YOU see it for yourself.
Remember that this is only the beginning of “firsts.”
Think of all the firsts that you’ll be experiencing before you know it: the first day of school, first dance recital, first soccer game, first report card, first crush, first school dance — the list is endless.
How One Nanny Handles “Firsts”
Never in a million years would a parent say that they actually want their babysitter or nanny to be dishonest. As we all know, trust is one of the key foundations of a child care relationship, so to suggest otherwise is practically caregiver blasphemy!
But if you experience a “first” and then pretend it didn’t happen to protect the parents, is that really dishonest?
One nanny on Momlogic says no:
It happened: your baby boy took his first steps. The only problem is that you were not there. For weeks now, you were telling me how excited you were that he was getting ready to walk. He finally had his feet steady and was walking for a longer period of time with only a little support from you.
I didn’t mean for it to happen. He was just walking along, holding onto my fingers across the living room. I let go of one hand and then the other, and all of a sudden he was walking. It is not as if he crossed the living room. It was only four steps, but they were his first.
The problem now is that he keeps walking, and I’m worried he is going to walk right up to you and ruin your mommy moment. He falls down and giggles and then gets up to start again. It really is adorable the way he concentrates so much on each step. I just hope that you get to experience this on your own. This is a secret I will take to the grave. For all intents and purposes, he will have walked with you first.
So now I’ll just wait for you to get home and pray that he does not come toddling to the door by himself.
Share Your Thoughts
Sitters, has something like this ever happened to do? How did you handle it?
Parents, would you want your sitter to tell you if something like this happened while you were out or would you rather not be told so you can experience it as a surprise for yourself?
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July 9th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
When this happens to me, I don’t tell the parents. I say, “X is getting really close to_____. It should happen any day now!” I think it is really easy for parents who don’t have a choice but to not be around to get resentful, and for the sake of our work relationship, I let them have all the firsts.
There was a disscussion about this on Nanny Island recently, and everyone came to the same consensus.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I notice it works the other way too. Parents may not tell me about a child’s FIRST and I get to experience it as the first time. But I agree with the author of this article. The achievement is always a FIRST when a parent or caregiver experiences the accomplishment for the first time.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
So sad…
July 9th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
I am 4 months into my first nanny job caring for a 3 yr old boy and now 5 month old boy. When I interview I specifically asked how they wanted me to handle firsts; whether they wanted me to tell them or not. Dad said he didn’t care and mom never gave me a committed answer and said she hadn’t thought of that before as the older boy hadn’t done anything in daycare that they hadn’t known he was on the verge of doing. Up until this week most of the baby’s firsts were on my off time but this week he rolled from tummy to back for the first time. I took a picture of him afterwards emailed them to let them know. They seemed OK with that.
July 11th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Although I see the good in not telling the parents about a “First”, I do not completely agree. Unless I am asked to keep it to myself, I would tell the parents. I think it comes with the territory. If your child is going to spend majority of his week in Daycare, Preschool, with a Nanny, with there Grandparents, whatever it may be…then be prepared of this possibly happening without you around. There is no way to avoid it except being with the little one yourself all the time! I completely understand how important a “First” is, but if you happen to miss it…at least its not there “Last.”
July 12th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I have been a full time Nanny for eight years now. I have experience many firsts. I have found it is alright to be happy and proud for the baby at the time. But at the same time I do not want to take that away from the parents. So I tell the parents the baby is getting very close to walking or talking but I do not say I saw the baby do it first. This way the parents don’t feel they miss anything.
July 13th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Parents that spend much time with their children do not complain that they weren’t there when their babies learn the first of anything. I spend much time with their children in assisting in their first learning stage. It is bound to happen that I get to see the first, but if the parents want to say that they were responsible for the first, it’s ok. They just do not want to feel left out or as if they don’t spend time with their angels. Caregivers do contribute, but their reward come from God that they have kept the angels safe, fed them well, and assisted where needed. Also, parents do want to hear that their child is progressing. They want their angels to be happy, to learn, and be safe. That tells them that they have chosen the right caregiver.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:30 am
For the big ones, it seems to be an unspoken agreement between mom and I. She usually tells me when he has done something new over the weekend, and I usually respond with excitement even if I’ve seen it or helped the child practice the new skill. I also sometimes use the phrase, “he is almost….or getting ready to….”
However, if he does try to say banananaaaa or more, I do let the parents know, because otherwise they wouldn’t know to encourage it. Same with the day that he stacked two blocks on top of each other; something we had been doing together. I let them know because they might not realize that the task is a milestone.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
When the baby I take care of took his first steps I didn’t let the parents know. They had been waiting for it to happen for a while, and they were very excited for it to happen, so I let them have that moment. With that family it didn’t feel right to take it away from the parents. I think nannies will be able to tell what is ok to tell the parents and what they should let the parents experience on their own. When it came to his first steps I didn’t tell them, that doesn’t mean I didn’t ever tell them of any firsts before or after this. So I agree that let the parents have the “big moments”, but also you need to let them know that the baby develops even when they are not there.
I think the nanny/babysitter will be able to tell with their family what is best to do, every family is different.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
In my experience, it really depends on the parents. I have one client who recognises that firsts are very likely to happen with me. She leaves a video camera in the play room, and just asks that I tape anything cute or exciting. Once her daughter started taking several steps in a row, I got it on video and emailed it to her, and she was thrilled.
I had a client in the past who had 3 boys, I cared only for the youngest while the older 2 were in school. She flat out told me in the interview that she missed her oldest’s first steps, and she did not want to know if that were to happen again.
Most clients, I will mention little things, and let them tell me about the big things.
September 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
I believe that the little things are the one tha makes the biggest things happen. I truly believe that I would have wanted to see my children first everything since most of the time I was working as a single mother it’s hard, timehave passed I’m married but don’t have those special moments.