Kate Gosselin, Discipline & Caregivers
Looks like Kate Gosselin is in the news again. This time, it’s for getting caught on camera spanking her daughter, Leah.
Apparently, Leah kept blowing a whistle while Kate was on the phone. Kate lost her temper and smacked the 5-year-old right on the behind.
This is causing a big controversy on the blogs, but rather than getting lost in the debate, we want to use the firestorm to bring attention to the idea of discipline and how it relates to babysitters and nannies…
Caregivers & Discipline
As we’ve said here on Sittercity, a caregiver’s job is to care for children by following the same family rules that Mom and Dad implement in order to keep the consistency. Different families have different rules, so babysitters and nannies have to adapt.
But even if a family says they believe in spanking, does that mean caregivers should follow suit?
In a word, no.
Yes, kids throw tantrums. Yes, they talk back. Yes, adults (parents and sitters alike) can lose their patience. But that still doesn’t mean that any caregiver should resort to spanking their charges.
Instead, we’ve got some sitter-appropriate discipline tactics to use when conflicts arise — and the first step is to understand WHY children misbehave.
Why Children Misbehave
- Trying to gain control. Being told what to do all the time by adults (including being told to stay home with a babysitter) can leave some children feeling powerless, so they try to exert control by disobeying and making up their own rules.
- Needing attention. If they haven’t been getting positive reinforcement, some children act poorly because it gets them more attention and more of a reaction from adults.
- Low self esteem. Some children misbehave to keep adults from expecting anything from them or will act badly because they think they are bad.
To combat bad behavior, babysitters should always been on the lookout for good behavior and actions that they can praise. Providing positive reinforcement and attention helps motivate the child to behave better to earn those “rewards.”
Types of Consequences
As we said, different families have different discipline preferences. Below is a brief list of several common discipline tactics and consequences parents may choose.
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES
Consequences that are controlled/engineered by a babysitter or parent
Example: If a child runs into the street, he is no longer allowed to play outside.
Tips: Remain calm, but state the consequences firmly. Be prepared to follow through on the consequences immediately.
WITHHOLDING PRIVILEGES
Telling the child that he will have to give up something he likes as a consequence of his actions
Example: If a child keeps throwing toys at the TV, he is not allowed to watch his favorite show that day.
Tips: Never take away something the child actually needs (like a meal) and make sure this consequence is implemented immediately after the bad behavior.
TIME-OUTS
Isolating the child for a certain period of time as punishment for bad behavior
Tips: Give the child a time-out period of 1 minute for each year of his age. (So, a 4-year-old would have a four-minute time-out.)
Conflicts Between Babysitter and Child
As many babysitters and nannies know, children may innocently test their caregivers to see what they can get away with. In these cases, it can be helpful to add a dose of lightheartedness to resolve the situation.
Test 1: The child says he did something he was supposed to do, but it is clear that he didn’t.
Example: The child says he washed his hands before lunch, but he did not.
Solution: The babysitter says, “Oh NO, I still see some spots! Let’s wash them again together to make sure we scrub all of that dirt away.”
Test 2: The child lies about the rules or tries to get away with something.
Example: The child says he is allowed to have ice cream before dinner.
Solution: The babysitter says, “Let’s ask Mom when she gets home just to make sure and if she says yes, then we’ll have plenty of ice cream before dinner next time.”
Test 3: The child refuses to do something he’s supposed to do.
Example: The child won’t put on his PJs.
Solution: The babysitter tries to make the activity fun by saying, “But look at how cool those PJs are. I wish I could wear them! How about I time you and see how quickly you can get changed?”
Related:
Reduce Fights Between Siblings
Subscribe
June 17th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I think that is very helpful. Good ideas for babysitting. I will try those things.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
why do people get so riled up over a parent swating a child on the behind? no, i do not believe it is ever right for the caregiver to spank a child and i always use tactics to make sure and deal properly with tough situations…but a parent has the right…im not sure of the circumstances because i didnt see the show of what kate did, but as the old adage says “spare the rod, spoil the child”
June 17th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Well this is certainly a fine example of a stressed out mom in need of some help (both with her children and psychologically). It is so sad to see her life displayed for millions to see although, of course, it was her choice.
Besides all that, this is a great article! I think discipline as a nanny/caretaker is one of the most important topics. I think it is also helpful to talk to the parent and see how they would handle the situation as well. It is important to try and mimic (if it is effective) the ways of the parents in order to be more effective.
June 18th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I do not believe in spanking a child, I believe in time-out according to age. Let’s say the child is 4 years old, he/she should have a set time-out chair that they must sit quietly in for 4 minutes. If the behavoir happened in public, you must get down on your knees to lower yourself to the childs level and talk to them. If this does not work then you simply take the child home, and explain why it wasn’t proper behavoir and let the child speak also. We have to listen to these children, sometimes they don’t understand what they did nor why it was not proper. I have babysat and been a Nanny and have never ever even thought of spanking someone else’s child. That is the parents job. Not that of a caregiver/nanny nor babysitter.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I do think the parent holds the right to discipline their children as they see fit, however they will also suffer the consequences of their chosen form of discipline. I do believe there is a fine line between what parents do and what they should impose on their caregiver to do in their absence. Aggressive forms of discipline should be withheld for the parents to follow through with.
It is important to understand WHY the child is misbehaving initially. Are they too busy? Are they not given enough attention? Are they afraid of something? When a parent or caregiver just lashes out without understand why that child is acting out you are teaching a poor lesson to them. Children throw tantrums because they do not know of a more appropriate way to get their feelings across to you. Talking to a child calmly and sorting through the problem will almost always calm down the situation and get you both to a happy place.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I support spanking. Many times telling kids to sit down or have a time out or withholding priveleges doesnt work.
But yes we helpers/caregivers shouldnt ever be the disciline givers.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I personally grew up in two homes that were very different. One parent used the spanking tactic and one used a more logical approach by explaining what I did wrong. In the home where I was spanked I acted out more often and worse. In my other home I basically never acted out. Now that I am grown I have more respect for and a closer relationship with the parent that didn’t spank.
Just a thought for parents that spank.
June 19th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
i dont think a caregiver should ever spank a child and as for kate gosslin I dont blame her for smacking leah on the butt. kate is a wonderful mom and should get a lot of credit for raisinfg 8 kids.
June 20th, 2009 at 12:12 am
The problem is, many (definitely not all) parents who “spank” do so out of anger and frustration with the child, and not out of a way to actually teach the child a lesson. Spanking your child because you are angry with them only teaches them that it is ok to hit a person when you are angry, or physically act out on those emotions. If you are going to spank it is necessary to combine in the logical standpoint. The child must understand that they did in fact so something wrong, but also they have to know what it is that they did and why they shouldn’t do it. (Or at least be told why, sometimes you can explain until you’re purple and they still don’t get why pouring dish soap all over the floor is a bad idea.)
I have many friends whose parents have used the “Go to your room I will be there in five minutes to discuss this and give you a spanking” technique who still believe in spanking. And many who had parents who bypassed the logic step and spanked to make themselves feel better. Most of my friends in the latter category had extremely rocky relationships with their parents until adulthood because there was a kind of resentment (I guess) for being “hit” as they have called it, rather than “spanked”.
July 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
I think that spanking your own child is alright as long as you don’t do it in anger. If you spank them while you’re angry, it teaches the child to lash out when they’re upset.
July 11th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE WORLD TODAY, OVERREACTING OVER A SPANKING. KATE DIDN’T KILL HER OR LEAVE BRUISES. A FRIEND OF MINE HAS THE WORST BEHAVED 8 YEAR OLD I HAVE SEEN IN A LONG TIME. SHE TALKS BACK, TELLS HER PARENTS TO SHUT UP AND SPITS ON PEOPLE. I TOLD HER IN MY HOME THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.THAT BEHAVIOR IN MY HOUSE WILL GET YOUR ASS WHIPPED. MY CHILDREN GET SPANKED AS A LAST RESORT. THEY KNOW WHEN I AM AT THAT POINT. KATE DID NOTHING WRONG. SHE HAS 8 CHILDREN UNDER 10 AND THIS IS WHEN DISCIPLINE IS MOST IMPORTANT. TIME OUT DOESN’T WORK FOR ALL KIDS. I AM A TEACHER AND KIDS NOW CAN BE VERY DISRESPECTFUL. SO TO EACH HIS OWN DISCIPLINE AS YOU SEE FIT.
July 14th, 2009 at 9:10 am
It Is a right way to disapline children and a wrong way I believe that some people blow things out of perportion when they see children get spanked the bible says if you spare the rod you spoil the child this is Gods word he had to deciplne us sometime and taht means just simply taking away something that you love are love to do if you don’t have control over something. Children need to be told no sometime you have to set boundaries with children no means no but tell them in a way that they can comprehend it starts with the parents at home I work wit 2 lovely kids for 4 years never had a problem they mind veeery well wahat ever you teach a child they will grow and learn and take it with them for the rest of there life you don’t have to hit to disapline kids use reverse sycology.
July 20th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Anyone ca nsee that Kate is a great mom who loves here kids, she is doing something right, so why does everyone have to freak out when she swats a kid? No harm came to the kid! If she was hiding something she wouldn’t do it on camera!
July 20th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Disciplining that it you don’t have to spanking or afraid the child. A good disciplining is gods word he had to discipline us sometime and that means just simply taking away something that you love are love to do if you don’t have control over. give some change, make good diction.
For example if an adult hitd a child, we call it discipline.If child hits a child, we call it fighting.