Tips for Leaving a Nanny Job
There has been a lot of shifting around going on in the nanny industry lately. Leaving any job is never easy, but leaving a nanny job often feels like leaving a part of your own family behind. No easy task.
That’s why we turned to professional nanny and founding member of the INA, Glenda Propst. Glenda runs NannyTransitions.com as well as a workshop that helps nannies transition from one job to another, and she was kind enough to share with us her tips for how to prepare the children and yourself when it’s time to leave a nanny job.
Preparing with Parents
First and foremost, the nanny and the parents need to discuss who will tell the children that the nanny will be leaving, when they will be told and whether or not the nanny will be present. They should also discuss what they will tell the children so that they present a unified front.
Once the approach has been decided upon, it’s a nanny’s job to respect the parents’ wishes and follow through with that approach.
Tips for Preparing the Children
Be honest and compassionate
- Never promise to stay forever. Help children understand that they will always be in your heart, but you will not always be there on a daily basis.
- Make sure that the children know that even though you are leaving, it is not because of anything that they did wrong.
Stay connected
- If you will still be having visits with the children, set up a future visit before you leave and mark it on the calendar so they understand that they will see you again.
- If you are moving away, leave them your picture, your new phone number, your email address and a way to get in touch with you. (Ask the parents if you can help them set up email accounts if they are old enough to have them.)
- Make a picture album together. This will help all of you remember the good times.
Stay positive
- If the family will be hiring a new nanny, always speak positively about her. If you accept the new nanny, it gives your charges permission to accept her too.
- Talk in a positive way about the good things that are to come. (Focus on the fun.)
- Always remind children that they will still have their parents to care for them.
Tips for Preparing Yourself
Start saving. Save some money out of your paycheck every week so that you don’t end up leaving a job with no prospects in sight and no money in the bank.
Be professional. Keep your correspondence and actions with your employers as professional as possible up to the last day of employment. It is tempting to reciprocate “ugliness” or “rudeness” with the same behavior, but do not allow yourself to do that.
Take time to recharge. If at all possible, take some time for yourself to re-energize and clear your head. Try to avoid leaving a job on Friday and starting a new one on Monday. Even if you can only manage 2 or 3 days, take a break.
Avoid comparisons. When you start to interview again, don’t try to compare one family to another family. There is no way to measure one family against another.
Allow yourself to grieve. You have a right to be sad about leaving these children, and it’s helpful to give yourself time to grieve. Remember that recovery from grief and loss is a zigzag. You will have good days and bad days, especially in the beginning.
Stay positive. Try to focus on the positive, even the last few days.
About Glenda Propst, of Nanny Transitions
Glenda has been a professional nanny for 24 years and is a founding member of the INA as well as a former VP of INA. She was the 1991 INA Nanny of the Year and is also a co-founder and former president of the (now-defunct) National Association of Nannies. Glenda has been branded the “transitions nanny” and has also developed a workshop for nannies on Gentle Transitions, Leaving a Family with your head and heart intact. She is married and lives in St. Louis, MO. http://www.nannytransitions.com
[image credit: D Sharon Pruitt]
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July 24th, 2009 at 6:50 am
this is wonderful. i’ve worked with two families for the past year and a half, but this fall they both need me at the same exact time. so, i have to leave one or the other.
i love them both. one family has one boy who was diagnosed with autisim, the other family has four little girls (who were even flowers girls in my wedding last month) and now i have to choose between them. the family with the little boy live closer, need me on more days, and pay more… but sadly… i just can’t tell those little girls goodbye.
i don’t know what to do, but i’m sure when i decide this will help.
i will for sure be making a photo album for the family i must leave- what an awesome idea!
July 27th, 2009 at 11:26 am
What good timing! In just a few weeks, I’ll be leaving the family that I have been working with for more than a year. I’ve been worried about how to deal with not having them in my life anymore. A photo album is such a good idea! The little girl I take care of is already getting sad, so I’ve been trying to focus on having lots of fun while I’m still around. Thanks for the tips!!
July 27th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
I was with this family for over 6yrs. He was 6mo old, newborn 3yrs later.
I came to love and treasure all the time I had w/them. But unfortunally I fell and broke my wrist and could not pick up the baby to put her in the crib. I offered other alteritves, but the mother said to just take the time to heal. I kept in touch, and when I was able to come back, I found out she had hired another nanny with no word to me. I was devasted as I’m sure the children were also. This nanny stayed 1yr and then they hired a AuPair.
The boy said, because I sat for them on weekends, that they were thinking of asking me back, and he wanted them to, but they never did!
Do some parents have NO HEART?
I still call and see them on occasion and he just clings to me, he’s 11 now!
July 28th, 2009 at 4:39 am
go to shutterfly.com its been a year since I left my last nanny job… I am now a corrections officer, but I miss that little girl like no other. I still see her every couple months and she is just as attached to me as ever. At her second birthday party she would not walk away even when I said I was going ot eat and then I would come to the playroom she stood there waiting for me to come like she was afraid if she walked away I would be gone… it was sweet and sad at the same time because I was with her for her first year and a half. I just finally got around to uploading the 800 photos i took of her and I and went through and put almost 300 of them together into one of the bardback 8 x 8 photo books to the words of a song her mom sung to her that I learned from her mom because it helped her go to sleep… I had to make two copies so I could have one to go along with the one I made my niece and nephews… she holds just as strong of a place in my heart as they do.. I know some day I will love my own kids jsut as much but these kids were my first if you know what I mean… I have worked with kids 16 years but this one was one of the most challenging in the beginning with things like reflux that I had no experience with, and I learned so much with her and we bonded so much… It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to walk away but I had to find something that I can support myself and pay off my student loans and I consider myself very lucky that I found something close to her family and still ge to see her grow… I am looking for a house in their neighborhood and would love nothing more than for her to be friends with my own kids some day!
July 28th, 2009 at 4:43 am
by the way the last page of the book i put a couple pictures of my graduation fromy my training academy and me in my uniform and then pictures from my last visit with her including her wearing my uniform shirt, I thought that was a good way for her as she gets older to be able to see the answer of why I left, and to see that even thought I left I am still there for her… so she knows I left to be an officer and doesnt ever think I didnt want to be with her anymore…. she makes a darn cute officer too!
July 28th, 2009 at 4:51 am
just thought I would pass along the sweet quotes i found to use in my books
The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn’t been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.
Pablo Casals
You must work - we must all work to make the world worthy of its children.
Pablo Casals
Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them. - Richard L. Evans
and the song lyrics that I used were Indigo Girls ~ Power Of Two its a very sweet song
July 28th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Is just a blessing! This is my last week,with a family I am working with for the past two years. By taking care of there adopted child, I am so sad.This child is so special to me, we have a good bond together.I realy wanted to do something awesome for this little boy. And I think it’s a good idea! for a photo album. Thank for the great tips!!!
July 28th, 2009 at 10:40 am
I have two weeks until my last day with my lil guy and I am going to miss him so much but I think he will be fine. The only concern I have is for his safety when he is going to be in the care of one of his parents because this parent is very neglectful and I felt secure with the fact that I was coming everyday and could keep a watchful eye on him until it was the other parents days. : )
July 28th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
PERFECT TIMING as tomorrow Im telling my family that Im leaving on F24Aug. Thanks.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
I’m really glad I found this section. I was just released from my client today, but I understood, and did not take it personally. I just feel a little sad, because I got attached to the family, especially the kids and pets. The mom was awesome. I going to miss them, but I will take the expert Nanny’s advice and take some down time. Thank you so much for the advice. This really helped……God Bless
July 29th, 2009 at 12:59 am
I liked this blog and found it very helpful. I will be leaving a family I have worked for for over a year to go to school out of state. I have been having a very hard time with the children this last week because I am upset about leaving. I have planned a great outing for out last day together (tomorrow) with a group of our playmates/friends for one last hoo-rah. I know that this transition will be hard for me, but especially hard for the kids since the friends we have played with for the past year will no longer be apart of their lives either. They are not only losing a nanny, but also several friends. I plan to visit the children, I have explained to them why I am leaving and have even told them that I will no longer have sand adn seashells (from florida) but will have snow and mountains, so the children all agree to send me sand pictures and shells (how sweet!) and I promised to try to bring them back snow- keyword “try”. They children also know that I will visit them and keep in touch with them, but I still feel that this will be a very hard transition. I am trying to stay positive but I can’t help from catching myself staring at one of them and tearing up as I comment on how much I will miss them. I know we will all survive this change but it does not make it easier none the less.
July 29th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I like this. I have been a nanny for this one family for almost 5 years. The youngest one is 5, so I have been there almost her whole life. The oldest one is 11 and I am really close to her. They have moved to South Carolina this week. I am completely devastated. I love the kids and have formed relationships with the parents, so it is hard. I think that this helped a lot. It is ok to cry and I have. I know I am going to visit them and they are going to come back down here to visit, so I know I will see them again.
July 29th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Perfect timing, I have been with the same family for almost three years. Sadly, due to economic issues I will be unable to work for them any longer, and it makes me incredibly sad that I have to leave those kids. This is good advice, and I’m sure it will help. It’s never easy leaving a job that is personal, but finding a new one is just as difficult too.
July 29th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
I am with a family that I would like to leave, I don’t know what to say yet. I took care of two
children one is autistic and working with her has been hard yet very rewarding because of my efforts and patients. This family went on a long vacation for six (6) months without giving me any allowance. I work from 3 till 8:30 at night. How should I say I am leaving. I am also looking for another position. I think their heart is only nice when you are on the job. I am saden by the way I was treated. They are also expecting me on their return. Friends told me to move on, because I am a great person who can do better.Keep up the advice it helps.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:18 am
The possibility of leaving my 12-year job is increasing with every passing day, and the thought of it brings me to tears every time. I can hold it pretty well around the kids (only one of them knows), but as the month of August passes, and my deadline of finding a job to pair it with, it will be near to impossible. The youngest of the 4 children I care for is starting full-day kindergarten, and finding a morning job is next to impossible. Agencies, internet, even self-promotion with flyers in 6 towns have failed to produce even one viable job. In three weeks, I’ll have to give my two-week notice, unless something comes up. I know how hard it’s going to be on everyone, especially the little ones: I’ve raised them since they came home from the hospital (they’re 8 and 5). Their twin brothers are teenagers, but I’ve had them since they were almost 4. They are only a 20 minute drive away, and there are enough sports-related activities to go to on the weekends to see them, and the parents are very socially active, so there’s many opportunities for weekend sitting, but not seeing them on an everyday basis will throw me off completely. I had a vacation last week, and spent most of it crying, knowing what might be coming up. The bond I have with these kids is like nothing I’ve had with my other jobs. Friends have said this could be one of those ’silver lining’ things, where I could find a job closer to home that pays more money, but I was willing to sacrifice that. I think, if possible, I can take this advice and take a little time off before I transition, but I fear that will just make things harder. The photobook is a good idea, too.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I am leaving because I can not get enough children to pay the bills. I have babies and we are attached to each other. I think I do more crying than they understand. What I did was found them another provider and had her around often so that the babies felt comfortable with her. If they seem to not get along I would have found another provider until one was comfortable with him/her. This is not easy for me because they are like my children, but as long as I know they have a safe and loving environment they will be ok.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Wow this was perfect timing for me as well. I am leaving my family of 8 months. I was there Gymboree Instructor for 2 years and I have grown very close to the entire family. I am moving into my own place and they can not afford to have me babysit as I was babysitting in exchange for room and board. I will miss them dearly! This was so helpful, thank you.
July 31st, 2009 at 12:11 am
This will probably be considered an unpopular response to care givers who have become attached to their charges. I know what that feels like. One grandchild left this area when she was nine. We were as close as any grandmother and child can be. I mourned her leaving for nearly five years. I still miss her sometimes. But my point is these are not really your children. Foster parents have to learn to put a stop on their hearts because they are just taking care of children who will eventually leave. I think it’s a matter of not letting ourselves become to close emotionally - I don’t know how to do that, but I think it should be a goal to prevent eventual heartache.
August 1st, 2009 at 6:16 pm
though i totally understand why someone would think that way, i respectfully disagree with caroleokeeffe above when she talks about trying to prevent ourselves from getting emotionally attached to the young people we care for. it’s impossible to spend 50 or so hours a week with a person whom you cook for, dress, help teach how to walk and spell and NOT feel an emotional attachment.
it sucks and often parents are not sensitive to the transition for the nanny or the child, but having a 50 hr/wk relationship any other way than with your full heart would be inhumane. i think we nannies realize that we have to take the emotional risk to care for these children cause they care for us and it’s an awful lesson to bestow upon an unsuspecting child to let them care for you and not return the feeling.
i have to say i thought the blog post was good in that it points to ways where we can take charge of the leaving process with the children instead of leaving it to the parents, who sometimes don’t understand how profound the leaving can be on the child. i have had jobs and heard of numerous other nannies having jobs where the parents do nothing to prepare the child when the nanny has given her/his notice. though these parents don’t realize what they’re doing, it is a hurt to not acknowledge that such a profound relationship is ending for your child.
August 2nd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Recently, I just lost my job as a Nanny. By recently, I mean Thursday. I had no warning, no advance notice, no clue that it was going to happen. I had the little one in my home for seven months and had grown very fond of him. I provided him with meals, arts and crafts, music and creativity, indoor and outdoor play time and fun, learning and above all else, love and genuine care. The parents of this sweet child frequently sent him to me in dirty clothing and diapers, with milk encrusted sippy cups and bottles, and most recently, covered head to toe in flea bites. Complaining isn’t my style, so I simply mentioned it to them, asked for an improvement, and moved forward. Thursday, upon picking him up, they handed me a letter of “termination of childcare”, and told me while they appreciated all I had done, they were moving him to a more formal setting due to “financial reasons and logistics concerns”. For two people who hold decent paying positions, $500 a month for nearly 200 hours a month in work is extremely reasonable. Especially since I was providing all the meals and snacks until a month ago, when I asked for help in that area. Breakdown is less than $3.00 an hour. Hardly unreasonable, in my opinion.
Why am I telling you this? Because I watched as a child reached for me and wailed while his parents rushed him out of the room. I had to watch my three year old little girl break down in tears while promising that she “would always be good and share her toys”. And a part of me felt very broken, since this little boy had become such a huge part of our every day lives.
As a parent, as a childcare provider, for myself it is impossible to not get attached to the children I care for. That’s what a good Nanny does, right? We provide the necessities, but our hearts get involved too. Yes, we do need to have seperation though that the little ones we care for are not our own.
Please parents, warn your childcare provider in advance if you’re going to make such a monumental change in their lives. Prepare them, prepare your children, and above all, make sure they have something for back-up before you yank their only source of income away.
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:46 pm
I had to live the family because i had to return back in ROMANIA for a a wile,
it was so sad. I had helped a mother with an adopted child,he was 6years old.
He was so close to me, his adopting mother was sick and i had to take care of the child.He was very smart,he start to read when hi was five years old,we did
many activities. He had a great dog,it was so hard for me because i had to live three people and the lovely dog. It was sad for them to ,because we get
close to each other ,we become like a family.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I’m leaving the family that I have worked with for 16 yrs. at the end of the summer. With the girls now 16 1/2 & 14 1/2 & the economy the way it is they no longer need a nannie. They were very good about it, they told me at the beginning of the summer and said I should start looking for a new job. I’m using 4 nannnie posting websites in my search. I’ve been to one interview & have 2 more set up. To help with the transition I let the girls help me choose which families to apply to and they tell me if they like the emails I’m sending. I seem to be having a harder time then the girls. they are taking it pretty good. Ifigure it is because they are teens & already thinking of of colleges & they know we’ll stay in contact with each other. I’m a live-in & I agree with the earlier comment that it’s really hard when you spend so much time with the children.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Im moving on from the family i worked with for almost 2 yrs. They are putting thier son in a school program. This has been the most painful thing to me since lossing a close family member. I am having a very hard time with this, its like he is my own child just from another mother. I have spent every day with him since he was 3 months old. Ive been there through every change in his little life. It brings tears to my eyes to keep thinking about it. I love children and grow very attached. I was hoping to move on to a teaching job. Will hear about that later this week. Excited yet sad!
August 4th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
thanks for the information.. it is appreciated
August 4th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Hi, the article is right on time. Something happened to me that I wasn’t expecting and I’m trying not to be bitter or angry about it. I had been with this family for over a year and really became very involved and attached. A family of four with two boys ages ten and twelve. I was supposed to start work again with them on monday, I interviewed with the mom on sunday and asked for an increase in pay being that what is going on with the economy she didn’t tell me no she said she would speak with her husband. Well she did, and have you know they decided to let me go. It was a shocker and a surprise, no explaination to negotiate a price where we all would be happy with. Did not consider the children all. It’s wrong!
August 4th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
The mother thanked me for all I had done, but that doesn’t change the fact the way the situation was handle. Help me to get past this void i’m feeling. It’s different now because the parents are educators so we took a break over the summer while they went on vacation but doing the break I was still involved with keeping them. So I hope you all understand when I say it’s hard to act like you have no emotional ties to these kids. They become a part of your family as well as you become a part of theirs! The picking up , the dropping off to various practices and games and attending those events as well as school events and so on. Maybe I got too involved but thats the purpose right, being there when the parents can’t!
August 5th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I would just like to know how you handle a one day notice after 2 years of total devotion to 3 children. anywhere from 9-14 hours a day i had these kids. And all i got was a one day notice after 2 years… there were no hard feelings no problems with the family we all got along the decision was based on now the 3 yr old the youngest was now old enough to go to the grandparents way up north for the summer months. non the less it was mentioned to me on a monday as the grandparents were on their way and then on wed that was my last day. how do you not have hard feelings or feel like anything you did was appreciated??
August 7th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I’ve been pretty lucky, as my transitions form families have always been mutual, and they were with advance notice, but at the same time, I wish that I had read this article 6 months ago. Leaving my last family that I had worked with full time for almost a year was extremely difficult, I had especially become attached to the 3 yr. old boy, as I spent most of my time with him while his twin sisters were at school until 3pm. I had made a photo album over the summer for their mom to take with her on business trips, because she hated having to leave them, it was like a ‘day in the life’ of the kids, with pictures of them playing, sleeping, eating lunch, things like that. She loved it, now I wish I had one. Something special that the kids and I did the week before I left was go to Build-a-Bear and we each picked an animal, they put 3 little hearts in mine, which I though was so sweet, I still have that bear sitting on my bed, even though I moved away months ago. My only wish is that the parents were a bit more supportive of my keeping in touch with them. They’re all too young to have their own email account, but I have sent them messages via their mom’s email, but I never get any response back, and it took her almost a month to get back to the agencies I was working with to give a reference. Not sure why I’m venting here, though it seems as good a place as any, being amongst colleagues, and other people who know what I’m going through.