Pretty much every parent of a toddler has a story. A story of an epic meltdown that seemingly shows up out of nowhere but quickly escalates into sobbing, shouting, stomping and screaming. Sound familiar? Research shows that 87% of 18- to 24-month-olds have tantrums, and among 30- to 36-month-olds, that rate rises to 91%.
Perhaps the only good thing about tantrums: They’re developmentally normal — and they provide a perfect opportunity to help children learn to manage their feelings, communicate their needs, and begin to understand limits. Learn more about how to handle toddler tantrums and support your child in the process.
What Are Temper Tantrums?
Temper tantrums are defined as “brief episodes of vocal and sometimes physical outbursts in children in response to frustration, anger, or distress,” notes the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Ofter triggered by hunger, fatigue, the onset of a cold or other mild illness, or any unmet need of the child’s, tantrums happen just as often among boys and girls. In toddlers between the ages of 18 months to 3 years, most tantrums last for one to five minutes, during which time kids could scream, cry, throw their bodies on the floor, kick, hit, or any combination. Although they’re less common after the age of 3, some children have tantrums through adolescence.
Why Do Toddlers Have Tantrums?
There are plenty of reasons why toddler have tantrums: Frustration when something doesn’t go their way, difficulty communicating what they want, feeling tired or hungry, wanting independence but needing help, or too much stimulation or change. Since toddlers often can’t clearly communicate their needs due to a lack of language skills, they grow frustrated when their needs not met. For older toddlers, tantrums might be more about a power struggle: They can express what they want and they like asserting themselves. Developmentally, they’re learning how to effectively handle their emotions… and it’s a process. It’s important to remember that tantrums are to be expected every so often. They occur because toddlers’ brains can’t yet regulate strong emotions or clearly communicate their needs clearly. Toddler use tantrums to express when their needs aren’t met, practice their independence, and develop self-control. Remember: Tantrums are not a sign of bad parenting and you shouldn’t blame yourself for them.
What’s the Best Way to Respond to Toddler Tantrums?
Tantrums are a great opportunity to teach toddlers how to manage their emotions over time. A few pointers:
- Stay Calm
As hard as it might seem to keep your cool when things get chaotic, try your best to stay calm. Children typically react to the energy that’s around them. When a parent stays calm, it helps prevent the tantrum from escalating. Take a deep breath, keep your voice steady, and be patient: Doing so will help your child feel safe as their emotions simmer down. - Skip the Yelling
Kids often mimic our behaviors so if you yell, they will yell. Matching your volume is their way of trying to connect, but it typically cause the situation to escalate. If you do raise your voice (we have all been there), consider asking quick reset. Try something like, “I am sorry for yelling. That is not how I want to talk to you. Let’s start over.” Not only will this help deescalate the situation, but it shows that you can acknowledge your mistakes, accept responsibility, and try again. - Validate Their Feelings
Just like us, toddlers want to feel heard. Simply saying things like, “I can tell you’re super upset,” or “It’s hard when we need to leave” or “I know how much you wanted to keep playing” can go a long way in diffusing the situation. Acknowledging your toddler’s emotions does not mean you’re supporting their behavior or giving in. Instead, it shows your child that you recognize their feelings. - Offer Simple Choices
Giving your child a few options will help them feel more in control. Something as simple as “Do want to walk to the car or hold my hand? Can help redirect attention, reduce frustration, and reset the energy. - Keep Clear Boundaries
Children need limits to feel safe, even when they’re feeling out of control. If a child is throwing things, you can calmly remind them of the rules. Something like, “We don’t throw things. That can hurt people. I am here to help you.” When you’re consistent about the limits, toddlers begin to learn what behavior is acceptable. - Encourage Communication
Try to get your child to use words rather than actions to express how they feel or what they want. - Use Distraction
Since kids often have shorter attention spans, you can divert their focus onto something else without too much effort. If you’re in a store and they want to buy a cupcake, try enlisting their help in choosing something else on your list. Try, “I just remembered we need to buy more cereal. Can you help me?” - Hug it out
Wrapping your arms around your tantrumming toddler might not be the first thing you wish to do, but it will help them settle down. Giving them a strong, loving hug will help them feel safe and secure in an emotional moment. - Switch up the scenery
Changing locations can change moods. If your child is having a tantrum in a park or another public place, bring them to somewhere safe and private, where they can calm down. If you’re at home, try giving them a bath to help them reset and regulate. - Don’t be offended.
Tantrums might come with insults like, “you’re the worst mom” or “I hate you.” Don’t take these statements literally or personally. They’re expressing their frustration and unfortunately you might be the target. Kids will forget these statements in seconds and so should you.
Can Parents Make Tantrums Worse?
Sometimes. While well-meaning, certain responses can actually encourage more tantrums. Giving in to a child’s screaming just to make it stop will teach a child that tantrums are a tool to get what you want. The same goes for bribery, which might stop a tantrum in the moment, but could lead to more. Giving tantrums a ton of attention can also teach kids to expect extra attention. Finally, making empty threats or warnings that you don’t follow through on can backfire. Teach children that you mean what you say.
How Can I Prevent My Toddler’s Tantrums?
Tantrums can’t be totally avoided, but you can implement a few strategies to help reduce the number that occur:
- Keep daily routines consistent predictable.
- Offer warnings about transitions. (“Ten more minutes before we leave”)
- Make sure your child gets enough sleep.
- Give your child a snack before they get hungry and cranky.
- Encourage simple communication such as pointing or using words.
When Do Tantrums Need Extra Support?
For the most part, toddler tantrums are absolutely normal. As children develop, tantrums typically become less frequent. Talk to your child’s pediatrician if tantrums erupt several times a day, last for large chunks of time, or are accompanied by dangerous behaviors like self-harm or dangerous aggression.
Small Bodies, Big Feelings
Remember: Toddler tantrums can be really rough in the moment. But they’re also a normal part of how children learn to express themeless and regulate their emotions. By relying on calm responses, consistent boundaries, and supportive routines, parents can help their toddlers build the skills they need to manage big feelings.
